(LET'S GO TO PRISON PLAYING)
# There's a place I know, come along with me
# Just break some laws and you get in free
# Three hots and a cot
# An orange jumpsuit
# Your name's a number
# Now, ain't that a hoot?
# Throw out that list of things to do
# The State's got plans for you
# Let's go to prison
# Stir
# Let's go to prison, Stir
# Now, it's corrections officer, not called a guard
# Now, won't you kids go play in the yard?
# Yeah, walk an earth circle or lift some weights
# Might get lucky, might get some date
# Ain't talking hoops when I say man-on-man
# It's zone defense, do what you can
# Let's go to prison
# Big house
# Let's go to prison
# Yeah
# Lock up
# Trading smokes for toilet booze
# Snitch gives you up to the screws
# Bought yourself some time in the hole
# They'll throw you a Bible to save your soul
# Oh, ho-ho, Lord
# Doing a nickel
# Doing a dime
# You know you're innocent
# You didn't do the crime
# This place takes patience
# You will find
# But as long as you're here
# Just have a good time
# In Angola, Attica, Sing Sing
# Let's go to prison! Come on now!
# San Quentin, Tehachapi
# It's called prison
# Let's go, let's go!
# Prison, Alcatraz
# Come on, let's go! #
JOHN: Our justice system sucks,
You know, there are over two million Americans behind bars,
That's a little larger than the population of Houston,
(ALL CHEERING)
Every year, there are enough children
born in prison to fill 250 Little League teams
and enough people are raped in prison
to fill a stadium more than three times,
Can you picture that?
Three stadiums full of people raping each other?
I know I can,
My name's John Lyshitski, I just got out of prison,
(MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't know. Do you have anything bigger?
Yeah. That's more Iike it.
If I had a nickel for every time I've been incarcerated,
I'd have 15 cents,
It all started when I was eight years old,
I stole the Publishers Clearing House prize patrol van,
Thought there'd be a million bucks inside,
Where's the check? Where's the check?
Wait!
They caught me when I tried to cash the giant check,
That was the first time I met Judge Nelson Biederman,
who changed my life with the magic word,
Guilty.
You see, Johnny,
the reason we have all these Iaws and rules to Iive by
is so that we can help guide
all the Iittle boys with big dreams
and a chance for a bright future,
and so that we could help protect them
from worthless scum Iike you.
Seven years, juvenile detention.
JOHN: And with that, Judge Biederman
began my trip through the justice machine,
The machine works,
It took me, a confused child,
and turned me into a for-real, no-shit felon,
Hey!
Hit the ground, motherfuckers
or I'II fill you full of more holes than the Asshole Day parade.
There's an Asshole Day parade?
Motherfucker.
Guilty.
Four years, and if being a moron were a crime, Mr. Lyshitski,
you would never see the Iight of day again.
JOHN: I got out again when I was 24,
Then that same ass-wipe, Judge Biederman,
sent me back when I was 24 and a half,
Four to seven years.
The next time you steal a car, Mr. Lyshitski,
check to see if there are Iights on the roof.
(LAUGHING)
You Iiked that one?
JOHN: I'm out again, and I intend to spread the pain around,
Starting with His Honor himself,
Take him down piece by piece,
Kick off his dog, strangle his cat,
shit in his pillowcase, burn down his garage,
Then I'll get really creative,
Hello?
Hi. Is this the municipal courthouse?
Great. My name is Ken Kennedy.
I'm calling from the Chicago Tribune,
Yes, we're doing a story down here
on some of the city's Iongest-serving public figures
and we would Iove to see Judge Nelson Biederman III at work.
So could you tell us which times this week that he will be on the bench?
Uh-huh.
And how Iong ago did you say that he died?
Three days! Fuck!
(CLINKING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Who's got a six-Ietter synonym for "deprived of"?
Robbed.
Anybody want to buy me a champagne drink?
How about a fancy beer?
15 bucks for a Iap dance.
Yeah, I'm not that horny. I just got out of prison.
JOHN: Holy shit!
"Nelson Biederman the IVth, "
I guess when one door slams shut, another one swings open,
Well, look out, Nelly, You're about to meet
the other man your father helped raise,
BARKER: Crimes are everywhere,
They're in our parks, they're in our streets, and they're in our schools,
That's why I need you to be part of,,,
Where the hell are you guys?
Well, why the hell do I have to be here if you don't?
Yeah, I know he was my father.
Thanks for the fucking newsflash.
Don't give me that shit, Duane.
JOHN: Hello, Nelly.
I give you now the new chairman of the Biederman Foundation
whose generosity has made this all possible,
Nelson Biederman IV,
I want to thank you all for attending this honorarium
for my dear, departed Daddy,
Now, boys and girls, are you ready to have your minds blown?
Well, what you got, Nelson?
A lot of people didn't think that this neighborhood needed
a $7-million, original Yoko Ono,
Well, those people didn't grow up on these streets,
And maybe I didn't either,
but I am forced to drive through here on my way to the airport
and I believe that anything that I can do
to make your lives and my drive more beautiful is worth doing,
That's why I, Nelson Biederman IV,
in honor of my late father, officially declare
Judge Nelson Biederman III Park open,
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)
DUANE: Biederman Foundation, Duane.
Oh, hello? It's me, Nelson.
Who is this? Nelson. Listen to me, Duane.
That is the Iast time that I go to
one of those goddamn events with Sergeant Barker.
Excuse me, who? Sergeant Barker,
the dog that hates crack and stuff, Listen to me, Duane,
I'm gonna be in the office in half an hour.
When I get there, there better be a Fresca waiting for me
and when I say Fresca, I mean Fresca.
It better not be a Fanta or a Sprite or a Bubble Up or a 7Up,
I want it to be a fucking Fresca! Do you understand me?
Yes, sir.
(MOVE THIS PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)
(SINGING)
Oh my. Look at this.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GASPING)
(GRUNTS)
(GLASS SMASHING)
(IN KOREAN)
Okay.
No! No!
(SCREAMS)
PHARMACIST: We have no money.
(SIRENS WAILING) JOHN: Look at this,
Old Nelson IV's got his pinky caught in the same machine his daddy threw me into,
The boys in the Iegal department think
the best course of action would be for you to plead guilty,
plea bargain to keep this as quiet as possible,
and step down as chairman of the Foundation,
Well, then, you tell the boys in the Iegal department
that they are a bunch of dipshits,
because I am innocent.
Well, apparently, the police have a videotape of you committing the crime.
You, or one of those other cadaverous bag-of-bone a-holes
sitting at that table,
better strap on a goddamn piss-bag,
get down here and get me out of here
or you're all gonna be replaced! You got it, Duane?
I'II buy this place and have it burned to the ground.
Well, should we call the governor?
He owes us one.
That would get him out.
Does anybody here want him out?
(CLEARING THROAT)
Okay. How about this?
I will represent Nelson with the help of our dipshit department.
Super!
Case number 9741,
State of Illinois v, Nelson Perth Biederman IV,
The Honorable Judge Eva Fwae-Wan presiding.
"Just tell her what you think"?
Just tell her what you think.
Okay. Shit.
Permission to approach, Your Honor.
FWAE-WAN: What is it, Mr. Biederman?
Look, I'm gonna be frank.
Off the record, you knew my father.
I've assembled the finest Iegal team that money can buy.
Those guys.
You got better things to do, I got better things to do.
We both know all I'm gonna get is a slap on the old wrist
and a formal apology
and a case of champagne from the governor.
Why don't we all just try to move this thing along
as quickly as possible?
Well, Mr. Biederman, off the record,
I am going to hurry this along,
but it's because people Iike you make me sick
and I don't want your Drakkar Noir stinking up my courtroom.
Prosecution, present your case!
JOHN: The three scariest words in the English language,
"Trial by jury, "
Juries are made up of 12 people who are so dumb
they couldn't even think up an excuse to get out of jury duty,
I'm just proud to be a part of the American judicimal system.
I mean, uh, judaical.
I was so happy to be picked for jury duty.
It's Iike watching Court TV,
except I'm in the TV,
just Iike the boy from Willy Wonka,
Before my daddy died, he taught me one thing.
See the thumb goes away, comes back.
Judaical system?
No. Jewidecimal system.
That ain't right.
(GRUNTING)
Mr. Hinkley?
Oh, yeah?
You may proceed with your defense.
Watch this.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
you've all seen Jurassic Park
and yet you're aware that Jeff Goldblum has
never actually been attacked by dinosaurs.
Even though you've seen it with your own eyes
on a TV not unlike that one.
I rest my case.
(LAUGHING)
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
have you reached a verdict?
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
We, the jury, find the defendant, Nelson Biederman,
quilty.
FWAE-WAN: Do you mean guilty?
Oh, yeah. Well, it kind of Iooked Iike it was a "Q."
Nelson Biederman, you've been found guilty of felony assault.
I sentence you to three to five years
in the Rossmore State Correctional Facility.
(GAVEL BANGING) This court is adjourned.
(WHOOPS)
Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
NELSON: Fuck!
JOHN: Nelson Biederman IV
is gonna get beaten, tortured, raped,
psychologically abused and raped some more
by the so-called justice system,
So why am I not happy?
I feels like it's prom night
and everyone else is porking my date,
I'm gonna have a heart attack if you don't give me my medication,,,
You see this all the time, Ma'am, please, we need to talk to Derek right now,
Oh, fuck you, I don't even know where he could be,,,
Can we talk to him?
You pissed me off because,,, I mean I went to my own,,,
Do you own this house? I mean,,,
And you know what? I need my medication,
Silverman took my medication away from me! I could have a heart attack,
Hey, John, you okay?
You seem sort of...
CIinically depressed. Yeah.
I don't know, guys.
Don't you ever wonder if there's more to Iife than smoking grass
and watching guys get arrested on TV?
I got some coke.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hey. You John?
We're here to buy some pot.
Yeah, my friend said you'd hook us up.
My friend Ben Franklin?
JOHN: Any felon worth his salt
can smell undercover cops from 20 paces,
and there's no way in hell he'd do something crazy like sell pot to them,
Unless he actually wanted to go to jail,
You guys should probably take off.
What for?
Those two clowns I just sold grass to are cops.
You didn't buy that whole Cheech and Chong routine, did you?
(BANGING ON DOOR)
I can't believe they fell for the Cheech and Chong bit.
OFFICER: Police! Open up!
Come on, John!
(BANGING ON DOOR) OFFICER: Open the door or we're coming in.
JOHN: I guess sometimes when fate knocks on your door,
it has a search warrant,
I'll go to jail,
I'll get bunked up with Nelson Biederman IV
and I'll make sure he gets the full treatment,
Yup, My whole life's been leading up to this,
Guilty as hell. Guilty?
Now if we could discuss sentencing?
Save it, Lyshitski.
How does seven-to-ten work for you?
Not as good as one-to-three.
Five-to-seven?
I'II settle for three-to-five, but wait. There's more.
What's that? I want to do my time in Rossmore.
You actually want to go to Rossmore Penitentiary? Why?
Three words, sister. Location, Iocation, Iocation.
Hey. John Lyshitski.
What's your name?
Nelson Biederman IV.
Where you heading?
Prison.
(SCOFFS)
Me, too.
Tell you what, we should be cellmates.
I don't snore and I'm a pretty quiet masturbator.
Hell, I'II even give you the top bunk.
Thanks.
Thanks for talking to me.
Last couple days in the holding cell,
some of these gang members
were really giving me the cold shoulder.
It's inexcusable.
That's what I thought.
I mean, why be that way?
WARDEN: Welcome to your new home.
Let me start off by saying that if any one of you is innocent,
just raise your hand.
You'II be free to go.
MAN 1: Come on, baby! You gonna be mine!
Yeah, we're tossing salad! That's what I'm talking about!
Put your Iittle finger up, baby! Yeah!
You gonna be my bitch up in here!
(GRUNTS)
That was my Iittle joke.
I have a notoriously dry sense of humor.
AII right. Here's how it's gonna work.
If you make my Iife difficult,
I will make your Iife exponentially more painful.
MAN 2: Yeah!
If you have a complaint,
all you have to do,
write it down on a piece of paper,
put it in an envelope
and stick it up your asshole.
MAN 3: Give me some brown sugar! Tell them how we do it, boy!
(CHUCKLING)
If you feel that you've been treated unfairly,
write it neatly on some paper, fold it up real good,
pull your cheeks apart and stick it up your asshole.
If you have comments or suggestions about how I run my prison
or, Iet's say, maybe the cuisine is not to your Iiking,
please write a Ietter to my office.
Just make sure that under "return address," you write the word "asshole,"
so that my head guard, Mr. Shanahan, can assist you
in pulling your cheeks apart
and sticking it up your asshole.
MAN 4: He's got some pretty eyes. Pretty Iips.
WARDEN: Come on, that was funny.
GUARD: AII right! Move it out!
Cell 433. I want you to sign right there.
Move off, Biederman.
Lyshitski, John Q.
Hello, Johnny. How you doing?
(CHUCKLING) Rooney. No glasses. You got the surgery.
Yes, I did.
One Metallica t-shirt, Master of Puppets,
One money clip.
I'd Iike to room with Biederman.
Empty. Cell number 433.
Sign right there.
Can I get my old shit?
Give it to him.
JOHN: So fate, with a little help from every last nickel I had,
threw me into a cell with the esteemed Nelson Biederman IV,
Today is the first day of the rest of my beautiful life,
People think they can't imagine
what it feels like to be in prison,
It's easy,
You know that bolt of fear you get
when you see a cop's flashing red lights in your rear view?
It makes you dizzy and kind of sick to your stomach,
Now imagine feeling that 24 hours a day
while you're surrounded by convicted killers who feel the exact same way,
It'd kind of put you on edge, huh?
Well, that's life in the machine,
Nobody's here to relax, and once you're in,
there's only one quick way out,
In a body bag,
MAN 1 : Dead man rolling! MAN 2: Dead man rolling!
Wait...
Well, be it ever so humble.
I'II just take the top.
It doesn't seem Iike they cleaned this toilet up.
It's disgusting.
MAN 1: Hey, bro, hold it. You got two minutes.
(CRYING)
MAN 2: You want in on it? Come on. What we got here?
Look, amigo, if you're gonna make it in here, you better smarten up.
Those pricks out there see you Iike this, you won't make it a week.
You don't wanna die in your first week, do you?
(SOBBING) No.
Right.
So you got to trust me. Do what I do.
Just keep your mouth shut and try not to cry.
It's all right to cry.
Crying takes the sad out of you.
"Crying takes the sad out of you"?
Hey, that shit may have flown back when you were a human being,
but you're not now. You're a piece of meat and you're in the grinder.
The softer you are, the more it's gonna grind you up,
and the more them animals are gonna wanna eat you.
AII right, you gotta toughen up.
Show me your tough face.
Show me Nelson's tough face.
Jesus, you Iook Iike you're going to take a shit, or something.
Hey, John. How you doing?
Same Lyshitski, different day.
Got some mail for you.
Bit backed up. Couple weeks.
Who's the new guy?
That is Nelson Biederman IV.
He got to take a shit or something?
JOHN: No, he's trying to Iook Iike bad meat. Yeah.
Okay.
MAN 3: Now keep it quiet down there.
Look at this, we can order out.
MAN 4: I need some toilet paper, what's up?
MAN 5: Well, we got to you.
So now what do we do?
Hmm?
What do you mean?
What do I mean?
I mean, what are we... What are we supposed to do?
We're doing it, man. This is it.
We're right in the thick of the action.
We hang out here, go to Iunch,
come back, hang out some more, go to dinner.
You know how someone might describe a situation
that's unpleasant or confining as being "Iike a prison"?
Yeah. This is what they were referring to.
MAN 6: Cállate la boca!
JOHN: It costs $54 a day to keep a person in prison,
which comes out to $75 million a day nationally,
That's $28 billion a year,
When you think about it,
wouldn't it be cheaper just to let us keep your goddamn car stereos?
What's on the menu today, good sir?
That's meat. That ain't meat.
Ain't meat.
Hit me with some meat.
MAN: Hey, come on, hurry up.
Great American melting pot.
You know, 20% of all prisoners aren't even US citizens?
About 10% are Mexican, 2% Colombian.
I can't tell the difference.
How do you know all this stuff, John?
I'm on a Iot of weird mailing Iists.
See those bad asses over there?
They're the White Kingdom.
They pretty much run the roost.
He who controls the smack, controls the joint, and by "he," I mean him.
Lynard. Don't be fooled, though.
Underneath all those swastikas he's a real prick.
MAN 1: Hey, hey. You ain't gonna eat that, right?
At exactly 12:15, stand up.
Why?
Just do it. It's kind of a prank.
Oh.
We used to do this sort of thing all the time at prep school.
A couple of the boys wanted to put one over on old Professor LaRoche.
(CHUCKLING)
At exactly the appointed minute,
all the boys would push their books down onto the floor.
OId LaRoche almost had a heart attack... Oh, shit. Not the face.
Not the face!
(SCREAMING)
Break it up! Break it up!
You, fish, who started this shit?
(GROANING) Leave it alone.
(SCREAMS)
He did.
AII right, Lynard, you're going to the hole.
Lunch is over, Iadies, hit the showers! Move it!
That's gotta be the stupidest goddamn thing I've ever seen.
Never narc on somebody.
I mean, haven't you seen any prison movies?
You told me to.
Yeah. I didn't mean for you to tell the truth.
You're dead, and I'II probably gonna get kicked in the teeth just for talking to you.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
Listen, from now on you do exactly as I say. Exactly.
Okay? Okay.
Just remember, number one rule in prison,
always Iook out for your cellmate.
JOHN: Remember, the number one rule in prison,
never trust anybody,
Of all the fears men have about prison,
Ioss of liberty, eating bad food,
claustrophobia, loneliness,
none of them compare to the prospect of being fucked up the ass,
So, what's a beautiful white boy Iike you
doing in a place Iike this?
Three to five.
Soft time, huh?
Yeah.
I Iike soft things.
You know, Iike, soft music,
maybe a soft Iittle baby duck on Easter morning.
You Iike Iittle baby ducks?
Hey, back the hell off, Barry.
He's my bitch.
Hey, Lyshitski, how's it hanging?
Little to the right, I see.
Hey, he's my property, dickmonster.
You guys got that?
This Iittle filly's all mine.
You can Iook, but don't touch.
Juliet's asshole's got one name stenciled on it. Mine.
Romeo. Romeo Lyshitski. Capisce, amigos?
No rear entry.
That goes for you.
That big bastard's the head of the BIack G-Lords.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful, John,
but did you have to stick your finger up my ass?
No. Probably not.
But it happened.
You've gotta get me out of here. Now!
Before I become bitch du jour for one of the G-Lords.
I don't care how much it costs. I want out.
Well, that's just it, Mr. Biederman,
you don't have any money.
What're you talking about? I have millions.
Well, the Foundation does, yes,
but Iegally, you have no access to the Foundation's funds
unless you are chairman, which you are no Ionger.
My father started the Biederman Foundation.
My name is Nelson Biederman! You can't fire me!
Actually, according to the Foundation's charter, we were required to.
So, without Foundation funds, you don't have a dime.
Unless you've been working a paper route on the side.
(LAUGHING)
I'm so sorry.
That's why I brought you a Fresca.
MAN 1: Hey, hey. Sit down.
After all, we are a charity.
So here. Just Iean in. Go ahead.
GUARD: No food or drinks! Oh.
Ouch. I'm sorry, Mr. Biederman.
MAN 2: Hurry it up. A Iot of people waiting.
(SLURPING)
Duane!
(AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE HEAD PLAYING)
(CHUCKLING)
Thank you for the pencil, John.
No problem. Found it in the shitter.
AII right, Johnny, how much for real?
Well, he's a really good friend of mine.
I couldn't possibly Iet you have him for anything Iess than, say,
half ounce of grass, four cartons of smokes?
Shit. Honky, please. You out your mind?
Hey, you want to break off a piece of that white chocolate,
it's going to cost you.
Well, shit.
Your name must be Monty Hall, motherfucker,
'cause we just made a deal.
(JOHN WHISTLING)
MAN: You gonna say it to my fist!
Come on, man!
What's with the robe, John?
Well, if you wanna keep getting the catalog,
you got to order something every now and again.
Figured I'd get more use out of this than a Miracle Bra.
(BANGING ON CELL)
Lyshitski, garbage detail!
(WHISTLES)
Wait, you're not gonna Ieave me in here by myself, are you?
I'II be back in 20 minutes. Just remember your tough face.
Oh, spooky.
Looks Iike he has to take a shit. Come on!
JOHN: Hold the fort, amigo,
Hey, thanks, Shanahan.
Don't thank me, asshole, just pay me.
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
I'd Iike to apologize for the crassness of my associates.
I doubt very much if they've even cracked the binding on Emily Post,
Would you Iike some merlot?
I make it in the toilet.
Are you Pisces?
Yeah, I knew it.
How do you do it, Barry? How do you do it?
So what shall we drink to?
Oh, I know.
Serendipity.
What a delightful force of nature, serendipity.
Yummy.
Look here, Nelson, can I ask you a question?
Does my ass Iook big to you?
No? Liar!
I ought to cut your stinking-ass, Iying throat for Iying!
I'm a cow! A big-hipped, fat, nasty, gelatin-assed, buttermilk-making cow!
You wear it very well.
Oh.
Well.
Thank you, sweet thing.
But Iook here, now,
don't you ever Iie to Barry again, you hear me?
'Cause if you do,
I'm gonna have to remove your genitals and put them in a shoebox.
You understand?
Yeah. So now I'm going to tell you a Iittle secret, Nelson.
(FEELS SO GOOD PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
Boy, I go apeshit for Chuck Mangione.
But enough small talk.
(SIGHS)
You're new here, so Iet me tell you how this shit go.
You see, I own you, Iittle Pisces.
You are my property, to do with as I please,
but we don't have to do everything tonight. Hell, we got three to five.
So for now
what say you just give Barry a Iittle Eskimo kiss?
Eskimo kiss ain't never hurt nobody, right?
Sorry.
I can't.
Oh, baby.
Don't make me go get no shoebox, now.
Come on. Eskimo.
MAN 1: Eskimo! Eskimo! MAN 2: Eskimo! Eskimo!
(WHISTLING)
(LAUGHING)
Oh, come on now.
You didn't think old Barry was going to
just take advantage on the first date, did you?
If you did,
then I guess you just don't know Barry.
No, no.
Prepare to be wooed
by the master.
Hell, yeah.
NELSON: "Dear new pen pal,
"my name is Nelson Biederman IV,
"I'm 30 years old,
"and I've been in prison for three months,
"In this hell-hole,
"I've had my ass kicked so many times
"my shit has footprints in it, "
"But you know what? I think I'm going to make it.
"At Ieast I can rest assured
"it can't possibly get any worse.
"Anyway, thanks for Iistening.
"I'II have to sign off now, as someone is pissing on me.
BILLY: "Your new friend, Nelson, "
That's a message from Lynard. He gets out of the hole today.
He can't wait to see you.
SIeep tight.
I'm dead. Not necessarily.
He might just kick your ass.
Really? Yeah.
I mean, every day.
For months or years,
till you're dead.
Man, I'm hungry. You wanna go grab some Iunch, bud?
Dead man walking.
He's not gonna kill me here, is he?
Oh, no. AII the smart money's bet on the rec yard.
Wait, people are betting on when I'm gonna be killed?
Of course. Prison's a boring place. They'II bet on anything.
Shanahan's the bank.
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